Attracting women can be difficult if you are friends with your ex. 6 critical questions to ask before you stay friends.
Attracting women and being friends with your ex? You were together for a fair while. And she seriously is a great lady. You hit it off from when you first met. She kills it when she’s out with you and the guys they all love her too. Sadly it hasn’t worked out. Does this mean you cannot hang out at all any more?
There is no straightforward answer here as it all depends. What are you really looking for when you are thinking if you can still hang out with her. There are a few questions you need to ask yourself and answer honestly before you think about hanging out with her. Check out the questions below and when you get to the end, you should have the answer to your question. Can we still hang out together?
How long has it been?
An article in Psychology Today identified that studies have shown that breakups can be as physically pain as having a hot probe on their arm. The desire to remain friends could therefore be an attempt to stop this pain particularly if the breakup was recent. Also partnership can be the generator of dopamine in your brain. The dopamine acts a reward drug to your body and is addictive. By cutting off this supply you crave it back. So you need to let things settle for at least a month before you consider if you do want to be friends with your ex. It can take up to 10 weeks for these feelings of pain and craving to go to very low levels. Maybe you need to go places where you meet women and see how you feel when chatting to other women.
This period of a minimum of month is confirmed by John Aiken, a Sydney-based clinical psychologist and relationship expert. John advises to wait at least a month before you look at trying to go into the friendship zone with your ex. Even then though you should be looking at what is your motive for friendship? “If you couldn’t take your relationship further as a couple, why do you want to be friends with this person? Says Aitken.
Will it be to hard to resist trying to hit on her?
John Aitken thinks you need to look at your motives for wanting to be friends. “Are there any feelings of love or lust for your former partner?”,” says Aiken. “You cannot just turn off romantic feelings. There is a process that needs to be worked through before you can start looking at a friendship.” If the answer is yes, you seriously still have that lust for her or really loved that romance then think again about being friends. Remember what the break up was about and whether there seriously have been any changes that would make the relationship work this time.
Will being with her trigger too many emotions?
How hard do you think it will be seeing her? Even if its in a group type situation? The impact of seeing each other again can be affected by who did the dumping. No matter who did it there can still be some feelings there. Especially if there are triggers from your ‘rituals’. Things you used to do together ie play pool with the guys or meet everyone for a coffee at a certain shop. If you think it will trigger too many sad thoughts rather than positive ones then maybe you are just not ready yet.
If you think it will be hard to keep your thoughts in the platonic way then maybe it will be a bit hard an awkward to catch up with her.
Did you requested the breakup and the proposed ‘friends’ thing? Was it just a way to ease your conscience because she is nice and sure this will not actually make it worse? She may think there is still hope, that the relationship can be rekindled. Think careful about whether being friends help in the long run though with this issue?
What if she brings a partner.
As mentioned earlier that feeling of loosing a partner can impact as much as physical pain. So seeing your ex with a partner can bring this on if you still have feelings for her. You do need to have a plan in case you do meet your ex and her new partner. Keep it short and sweet and stick to your plan. This should include a short but polite conversation and then moving on.
Sounds really hard to do? Then you certainly are not ready to catch up with your ex as friends. If you want some exclusivity even when you are no longer together then you are probably not ready for the breakup.
If you really did get on well but it didn’t work you should feel happy she has found a new guy if it makes her happy. Remember how you feel when you see her with another guy and know attracting women can be harder if you are still fiends with your ex.
Should you just move on?
It is important that you move on in your life once you have agreed to part with your ex. If you act as an intimate adviser on relationship issues then you really haven’t moved on and that is not good. “If you’re constantly meeting them for coffee, movie dates and calling them when you have a problem, you’re not moving on,” says Aiken.
In 2004 NBC America conducted a poll which identified that 18% of people had tried to remain friends with the ex but couldn’t. Sometimes where children are involved it is important to retain good communication and relationship. In the same NBC poll 48% of people did have some relationship but that meant 52% of people did not.
Its important if you want to develop a new relationship that you have fully moved on from your last. Knowing how to approach women is important and having a linger ex issue will make it more difficult.
What broke you up still breaks you up?
Breakups nearly always have a component of pain involved. Some breakups and their reason can be more painful thank others. If you seriously cannot get over the whole reason for the breakup and still feeling the pain then the option of friendship is not realistic. The friendship will remind you all the time of that difficult breakup.
At best, you will need to get completely over the problem that caused the breakup before you can have a friendship. You need to be comfortable that there are no lingering negative issues from the relationship. Sometimes it just takes time and the more pain there was the longer the time. Only you can tell when you are truly over the break up. Feel ready for a new relationship? If not you will find it hard to start attracting women. You have to know where you stand with your ex and how you feel. You feelings will be picked up by any new girl you meet.
Bringing it all together
In the end when it comes to the decision on whether to remain friends with your ex you have to ask the question, why? What is your motive for staying friends. Remember that you did break up for a reason. If you are going to be attracting women you need to have this issue resolved.
Was there significant trust broken when the relationship ended or that caused the relationship to end. Will the friendship help the previous issues or just have the same problems resurface. Can you handle seeing her happily in the arms of another guy? Do you visit online dating site but just cannot put your heart into it?
Take your time and think about all the above for moving to a friends zone.